Dealing With Attention-Seeking Bridesmaids

Planning a wedding is stressful, and choosing your bridesmaids can be one of the most challenging parts. It can be tricky to know how to deal with someone who is acting like a bridesmaid when you don't want them to be one. It's important to be honest and upfront with the person as soon as possible, but also gentle with your words to avoid hurting their feelings. Reassure them about your friendship and let them know how much you value them. Be empathetic and listen to what they have to say, but also stand your ground and don't let anyone pressure you into changing your mind. Remember, it's your wedding, and you can include or exclude anyone you want.

Be honest, but not too honest

It's important to be honest when explaining why you didn't choose someone to be your bridesmaid. However, you don't want to be so blunt that you come across as cruel. There's no need to be brutally honest and hurt someone's feelings. For example, you could say:

> "This was such a hard decision because you are so important to me, but we really wanted an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, and that meant I had to exclude some people that I really love and care about."

This way, you're being honest about the fact that you had to make a difficult choice, without making your friend feel like they aren't important to you.

If you're not including someone because your friendship has slipped, it's probably best not to use this as your reason. You don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel like you're using your decision as a weapon. Instead, try to find a gentle way to explain your decision, without going into too much detail.

It's also a good idea to reassure your friend about your relationship. Let them know that you value them and your friendship, and that not being a bridesmaid doesn't change that. You can also involve them in other parts of the wedding planning process, like dress shopping, or invite them to your bridal shower and other pre-wedding events. This will help to show that you still want them to be a part of your special day, even if they're not in the bridal party.

Remember, it's important to be sensitive and empathetic when having these conversations. It's natural for your friend to feel hurt or disappointed, so try to be understanding and give them time to process the news.

Reiterate how much you value them

When you tell a friend that she is not a bridesmaid, she is likely to question your relationship. To soothe her, let her know how important she is to you and what a valuable position she holds in your life. You can further reiterate this by checking in with her and involving her in your wedding party in some other way.

Be honest and upfront

Explain to your friend that you value her and your relationship with her, and that you don't want her not being picked as a bridesmaid to create a wedge between the two of you. While she might be hesitant at first and initially pull away, if you consistently check in and reaffirm your bond, you will likely be able to keep your closeness in the long run.

Assign her a different role

While being a bridesmaid is the highest honour for a friend of the bride, there are plenty of other roles a person can take. For example, put your friend in charge of your hair and makeup, or let her be your personal attendant on the big day. If you don't have your friend involved in any way, it can mean a lot just to hear your reassurance. Let her know that you would be honoured simply if she were to attend the wedding.

Invite her to other wedding events

There are plenty of elements of a wedding that your friends can be involved in, regardless of whether they are in your wedding party. For those who you have opted not to include, this is a great way to make them feel better. Invite them to take part in other parts of the planning process, like dress shopping. And be sure to invite them to all the other pre-wedding functions, such as your bridal shower.

Invite them to other wedding events

If you have a friend who is not a bridesmaid, you can still involve them in other elements of your wedding. This is a great way to make them feel better and valued.

Planning process

Invite them to take part in other parts of the planning process, like dress shopping. This will make them feel included and valued, and you can get their opinion on your choices.

Pre-wedding functions

Be sure to invite them to all the other pre-wedding functions, such as your bridal shower. They can still be a part of the celebrations and your special day, even if they are not a bridesmaid.

Getting ready

If you want your friend to be there while you get ready, let them know! They can still be a part of the bridal party's preparations and be in the room with you and the bridesmaids.

Other roles

There are plenty of other roles your friend can take on. You could put them in charge of your hair and makeup, or ask them to be your personal attendant for the day.

Attendance

If you don't want to give your friend a specific role, let them know that you would be honoured if they were simply to attend the wedding.

Assign them a different role

Assigning a friend a different role at your wedding is a great way to involve them in your special day without making them a bridesmaid. Here are some ideas for alternative roles:

Hair and Makeup

You could put your friend in charge of your hair and makeup on your wedding day. This role is important as it will help you feel relaxed and confident as you get ready for the ceremony. It also ensures your friend feels involved and valued.

Personal Attendant

Your friend could act as your personal attendant, helping you with any last-minute tasks or problems that arise on the day. This role could include anything from delivering gifts to the spouse, picking up breakfast, or simply providing emotional support.

Planning and Preparation

In the lead-up to the wedding, your friend could be involved in other ways, such as dress shopping or planning the bachelorette party. They could also be invited to take part in other pre-wedding events and functions, like bridal showers.

Ceremony Readings

If your friend is comfortable with public speaking, you could ask them to do a reading during the wedding ceremony. This role is a meaningful way to include someone special in your celebration.

Childcare

If your friend has a child, you could offer to cover the cost of a babysitter for the wedding. This would allow your friend to attend without worrying about childcare, and it shows that you're considerate of their needs.

Remember, it's essential to communicate clearly and honestly with your friend about their role and involve them in the decision-making process. Be mindful of their time, finances, and personal boundaries, and don't be afraid to compromise where you can.

Listen and empathise, but stand your ground

It's important to be honest and direct when telling a friend that she isn't a bridesmaid, but it's also crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Here are some tips to help you navigate this challenging conversation while standing your ground:

Be Gentle and Reassuring:

Start by acknowledging that your friend may be hurt or disappointed by the news. Choose your words carefully, and be gentle and compassionate in your delivery. Reassure your friend that your decision doesn't reflect on the value you place on your relationship. Let her know that she is still important to you and that this one decision doesn't change how you feel about your friendship.

Empathise and Address Concerns:

Allow your friend to express her feelings and concerns. Listen actively and try to put yourself in her shoes. Show that you understand her perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Address any specific worries she may have, such as feeling left out or not valued enough. Reiterate your appreciation for her and explain that your decision was made with careful consideration.

Stand Your Ground Respectfully:

While it's essential to be empathetic, it's also important to stand your ground and not be swayed by guilt or manipulation. If your friend tries to pressure, berate, or belittle you into changing your mind, remain firm but respectful. Explain that you understand her feelings, but your decision is final. You can say something like, "I understand your disappointment, and I want you to know that this decision wasn't made lightly. I hope you can respect my choice, just as I respect your feelings."

Offer Alternative Ways to be Involved:

If appropriate, consider offering your friend alternative ways to be involved in your wedding or other pre-wedding events. For example, you could invite her to participate in dress shopping, bridal showers, or other activities where she can still feel included and valued. This can help soften the blow and show that you still want her to be a part of your special day, even if she isn't a bridesmaid.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open:

Encourage open and honest communication throughout this process. Let your friend know that you are willing to listen and work through any issues together. Be responsive to her concerns and try to find compromises or solutions where possible. Remember that maintaining your friendship is a priority, so approach all conversations with kindness and respect.

Be Mindful of Your Tone:

Be mindful of your tone, both in your choice of words and your non-verbal cues. Avoid sounding rude, dismissive, or insensitive. Remember that your friend may be feeling vulnerable, so speak with warmth and sincerity. A face-to-face conversation or a phone call is usually best, as it allows for a more personal and empathetic exchange.

Remember, while it's important to stand your ground, doing so with empathy and grace will help minimise hurt feelings and preserve your friendship.

Frequently asked questions