Choosing Your Wedding Guest List: A Guide

Planning a wedding can be stressful, and deciding on a guest list is often one of the first big tasks. The number of people you invite will impact your venue, wedding style, and, most importantly, your budget. The average wedding guest list size in the US is 117, but yours may be more or less than that.

- Consider your budget and venue. Work out how many guests you can afford and whether your dream venue can accommodate them.

- Make a list of everyone you'd consider inviting, then separate out your top-tier, non-negotiable guests.

- Be mindful of family dynamics and try to treat members of different families the same to avoid hurt feelings.

- Don't feel obliged to invite people you've lost touch with or those you don't know well, such as coworkers or distant relatives.

- Prioritize close loved ones and immediate family members.

- Discuss with your partner and any stakeholders, like parents, and be clear about boundaries and expectations.

- Don't rush the process and give yourself time to create the perfect guest list.

- Remember, it's your wedding, and you don't have to invite anyone out of guilt or obligation.

Prioritise close loved ones

When it comes to deciding who to invite to your wedding, it's important to remember that your wedding day is about celebrating your love with your closest friends and family. Here are some tips to help you prioritise your loved ones when creating your guest list:

Make a List of Your Favourite People

Ask yourself, "Does spending time with them bring me joy?" Write down the names of people who bring joy to your life, those you love, and those who will be excited to celebrate with you. Include your immediate family, best friends, and chosen family. These are the people who should be at the top of your guest list.

Consider Your Budget and Venue

Your budget and venue will play a significant role in determining your guest list. Consider the cost per person and whether you can afford to invite everyone on your list. If you have a limited budget or a small venue, you may need to trim your list accordingly.

Set Boundaries with Parents' Requests

While it's common for parents to have input on the guest list, especially if they are contributing financially, it's important to set boundaries. You shouldn't feel obligated to invite people you don't know well, such as distant relatives or your parents' friends. Have an open conversation with your parents and find a compromise that works for everyone.

Invite Significant Others

When it comes to plus-ones, it's essential to invite the significant others of your guests, especially if they are married, engaged, or living together. This rule also applies to your wedding party members. However, for single guests, you can decide whether to offer a plus-one based on your budget and how well you know their partner.

Decide on Children's Attendance

Including children in your wedding is a personal choice. If you have children in your immediate family or close friends group, you may want to invite them. Consider whether you want children at your wedding and in what capacity. Be clear about your decision and stick to it to avoid any confusion.

Exclude Distant Acquaintances

It's important to prioritise your loved ones, so don't feel obligated to invite distant acquaintances, such as former colleagues or neighbours you don't know well. This will help you stay within your budget and create an intimate celebration with those who matter most.

Remember, your wedding day is about celebrating with the people who bring you joy and support your relationship. By prioritising your closest loved ones, you can create a meaningful and memorable celebration.

Consider your budget

Deciding who to invite to your wedding is a big task, and your budget will play a significant role in this. The number of guests you invite will impact your spending, so it's important to be realistic and strict with your budget.

The first step is to work out how much you can afford to spend overall. This will depend on your personal finances, and how much has been offered by family or friends. Be sure to clarify whether those offering money have any expectations on how it should be spent.

Next, you should allocate rough amounts for each aspect of the wedding. The reception venue, catering and rentals will likely take up the biggest portion of your budget. You'll also need to factor in costs for a wedding planner, the ceremony, photography, music, stationery, flowers, decor, attire, beauty, cake, transportation, tips, and any additional events like a rehearsal dinner.

Once you have a clear idea of how much you can spend overall, and how much each part of the wedding will cost, you can decide on your guest list. The number of guests will influence the cost of food, drink, and rentals, so it's a key factor in your budget.

If you're struggling to keep within budget, there are a few ways to cut costs. You could reduce the number of guests, choose a cheaper venue, rent clothing or jewellery, opt for minimal decor, or choose affordable stationery.

It's also a good idea to set aside some extra money for unexpected costs. This will ensure you don't go over budget if any issues arise.

Be fair with family

It's natural to want to include all your loved ones in your wedding celebrations, but sometimes it's just not possible. With venue size constraints, budget limitations, and, of course, your own personal preferences, it's important to consider how to be fair when deciding which family members to invite to your wedding. Here are some tips to help you navigate this potentially tricky situation:

Begin by having an open and honest discussion with your partner to define your wedding vision and priorities. Decide on the overall tone and size of your wedding and whether you lean toward a more intimate gathering or a grand celebration. This shared vision will guide your decision-making process and help you stay focused when it comes to inviting family members.

Create a family tree for both your side and your partner's side, extending to aunts, uncles, and cousins. This visual tool will help you see your family dynamics at a glance and ensure that you don't overlook any family branches. It's a simple way to organize your thoughts and identify potential areas of concern or conflict.

Use a consistent set of criteria to decide whom to invite. Consider factors such as relationship closeness, family dynamics, and the impact on your budget and venue capacity. For example, you might decide to only invite family members with whom you share a close bond and regular contact. Or, if your family is large and dispersed, you could focus on those who live nearby and are actively involved in your life.

It's important to manage expectations and communicate your decisions clearly and sensitively. If you're unable to invite all extended family members, be prepared to explain your reasons calmly and consistently. Let them know that your decision wasn't made lightly and that you're sorry if they're disappointed. You could also suggest alternative ways for them to be involved, such as attending your bridal shower or organizing a post-wedding celebration.

Finally, remember that it's your wedding, and you can't please everyone. Some family members may be upset or disappointed, but as long as you and your partner are happy with your decisions, that's what matters most. By being organized, consistent, and communicative, you can minimize potential conflicts and ensure that your wedding guest list is fair to all concerned.

Don't invite people you've lost touch with

You may still have fond memories of your childhood neighbours or college friends, but that doesn't mean they should be on your guest list. Wedding planner Chanda Daniels says, "If you wouldn't take that person out to a $300-plus meal—think of the cost per person for an average wedding—then they don't need to get a wedding invitation." Wedding planner Jove Meyer agrees, "Sometimes people grow apart, friendships change, like seasons, and that is okay." If you haven't spoken to or been in touch with someone in years, you don't have to invite them to your wedding.

How to handle it

If someone asks you directly if they're invited, be honest and gentle. Here are some ways to let them know they're not invited without being rude:

• "Due to tight budget limitations, we've had to be pretty brutal in chopping down our guest list. I'm so sad that we can't have you there with us on the day, but we look forward to catching up afterwards!"
• "Since we are paying for the wedding ourselves, our budget is very limited. It's SO hard not to go into debt over this, because of course, we want to invite everyone... but we're really trying to kick off our marriage by being financially responsible about the wedding."
• "We're just keeping our wedding pretty intimate, and unfortunately, that means there are a lot of friends and family who won't be there on our wedding day. I hope you can understand that it's nothing personal, and respect our wishes to keep our sacred event small."
• "There are so many people we would have loved to invite, but we're trying to keep our wedding small. It means so much to me that you're interested, and I so wish I could have everyone there with us!"
• "Oh, man. We SO wish we could invite everyone... but we made the difficult decision to just keep the wedding very small—mostly just close family."
• "We're keeping our wedding pretty small, so we're only able to invite our very closest family and friends. This means we just can't invite everyone we'd like, as much as we'd love to. I'm so sorry that we can't extend an invitation."
• "The venue we've chosen comes with some pretty stringent limitations on the number of guests we can invite. The process of making our guest list has been really difficult for us, and I hope you can understand that it's nothing personal—let's make plans now to meet up after the wedding!"
• "While we don't have the guest list finalized yet, we're only planning for our families and closest friends, due to money and space issues."

Remember, no matter how loving or articulate you are, people are entitled to their feelings of disappointment. Try to remember that their disappointment comes from a place of love: they want to be with you on your wedding day! You're not responsible for their disappointment, nor can you control it—all you can do is try your best to be respectful and kind, and make sure they know that you understand how much they care.

Don't invite people out of guilt

It's your wedding, and you should be surrounded by people who bring you joy. Wedding planner Jove Meyer says, "Weddings are not a show, they are not a performance. They are a celebration of your love, and only those you love and are close to should be included."

It's natural to feel guilty about not inviting certain people to your wedding. You might feel guilty about not inviting friends from a new job, for example. But it's important to remember that you don't have to invite everyone, and it's okay to set boundaries. Wedding planner Chanda Daniels says, "Creating a guest list is stressful because of all the obligations couples feel they have to meet, like inviting family members they aren't really connected to, folks from work, their parent's friends—the list continues."

If you're worried about offending people, there are a few ways to approach the situation. You can be honest and direct, explaining that you're keeping the wedding small or focusing on family and close friends. Or you can blame the budget or venue constraints. For example, you can say, "We're keeping the wedding pretty intimate, and unfortunately, that means there are a lot of friends and family who won't be there on our wedding day. I hope you can understand that it's nothing personal, and respect our wishes to keep our sacred event small."

It's also a good idea to talk less about your wedding at work or with people who aren't invited. That way, you don't feel like you're gushing about something they won't be a part of. Remember, it's your special day, and you should celebrate it with the people who matter the most to you.

Frequently asked questions