George Boyle
Japanese wedding etiquette is a blend of tradition and modern customs. Guests are expected to learn and respect these customs to fully participate in and appreciate the cultural richness of the ceremony. Wedding invitations in Japan come with an RSVP postcard, which must be returned within a week. Guests should cross out the character 行 (to) next to the sender's name and replace it with 様 (sama). The response should be written with a brush pen or fountain pen in black ink. If attending, guests should cross out ご欠席 (gokesseki) and circle ご出席 (goshusseki). The concept of a plus one is uncommon in Japanese weddings, and guests are expected to dress formally. Wedding money, known as ご祝儀 (goshugi), is given in new banknotes inside a goshugi-bukuro (gift money envelope). The amount should be odd and avoid the numbers 4 and 9, which are considered unlucky. The envelope's colour and design carry specific meanings, with pink and cherry blossom representing new beginnings and prosperity.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| How to respond to an invitation | If attending, cross out "ご" in "ご出席" and "ご欠席". Circle "出席". If not attending, do the opposite. |
| What to write on the outer envelope | Write the purpose of the gift, "寿" (Kotobuki), and the sender's name. |
| What to write on the inner envelope | Write the amount of the gift, the sender's address, and name. |
| How much money to give | Odd numbers are preferred, and the amount depends on the relationship with the couple. Avoid unlucky numbers like 4 and 9. |
| Type of envelope to use | Avoid black, white, silver, and yellow colors, which are associated with funerals and mourning. |
| How to dress | Men typically wear dark suits with white ties. Women wear elegant, subdued dresses that cover shoulders, knees, heels, and toes. Avoid white. |
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What You'll Learn
Crossing out '行' and writing '様'
When responding to a Japanese wedding invitation, it is important to follow the correct etiquette to show respect to the couple and their families. Wedding invitations in Japan typically come with an RSVP postcard, which must be returned within a week, regardless of whether you plan to attend. The postcard usually has the address to which it must be sent, and you simply need to fill in your response and your name.
If you see the character "行" (pronounced "gyō") next to the sender's name, this means "to". It is considered respectful to cross this character out with two diagonal or parallel lines and replace it with "様" ("sama"). This is written as "sama" in romaji, which is the Latin-script representation of Japanese sounds, and is used to politely address someone.
In addition, if you see the polite prefixes "ご" or "ご芳" before "住所" (address) and "芳名" (name), these should also be crossed out with two lines. This is because it is seen as overly formal when referring to yourself.
The response card may also include the options "ご出席" (goshusseki – I will attend) and "ご欠席" (gokesseki – I will not attend). If you plan to attend, cross out the "ご" before both options, then cross out "ご欠席" and circle "ご出席". If you are not attending, cross out "ご出席" and circle "ご欠席".
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Using a brush pen or fountain pen with black ink
When addressing a Japanese wedding card, it is advisable to write with a brush pen or a fountain pen with black ink. If you are using a brush pen, be sure to choose one with black ink, as there is a similar brush pen with grey ink intended for funerals.
If you are responding to an RSVP card, there are a few steps you should follow. First, put two parallel lines through the character "行" ("to" or "for") under the sender's name and replace it with "様" (sama) to show respect. Next, circle 'will attend' and put two lines through '御' (an honorific suffix) before '御出席' (will attend), '御欠席' (will not attend), '御住所' (address), and '御芳名' (name). Don't forget to add your address and name as well. You can also include a cheerful message such as 'Congratulations' or 'Looking forward to your wedding'. It is customary to respond as soon as possible, and it is considered impolite to respond by telephone or email.
When giving wedding money (known as "ご祝儀" or "goshugi"), it is customary to place new banknotes inside a "goshugi-bukuro" (gift money envelope). You can find these envelopes at convenience stores, drugstores, or 100-yen shops. They typically come with an outer envelope and an inner envelope. Write your name on the outer envelope, and use the inner envelope for the money. When choosing an envelope, consider the shape and colour of the mizuhiki (decorative cord), as these have specific meanings. For example, a bow knot (chomusubi) should not be used for a wedding gift as it can easily be untied and tied again. The amount of money you give will depend on your relationship with the couple, but it is generally best to avoid unlucky numbers such as 40,000 yen or 90,000 yen, as these numbers carry connotations of "death" and "suffering" in Japanese. Odd numbers are considered auspicious, as the bride and groom are a pair.
When writing on the "goshugi-bukuro", use a brush pen or a bold black pen. Avoid using a ballpoint pen or a fountain pen, as this is generally discouraged. Write your name and address on the back of the inner envelope, and the amount enclosed on the front. It is also important to place the banknotes inside the envelope so that the person on the bill faces the front and is oriented towards the top.
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Choosing an appropriate envelope design
When choosing an envelope design for a Japanese wedding card, it's important to consider the occasion, season, and recipient's preferences. Here are some guidelines to help you select an appropriate envelope design:
Firstly, avoid envelopes with certain mizuhiki designs, such as the Butterfly Knot (Chou-musubi). This knot is used for events that are not once-in-a-lifetime celebrations, like weddings. You should also stay away from colour combinations like black and white, black and silver, yellow and white, silver and silver, blue and white, or white and white, as these are associated with funerals and mourning.
For a spring wedding with a young couple, opt for envelopes adorned with pink colours and cherry blossom designs, which symbolise "new beginnings" and "prosperity". If you're attending the wedding of a close friend or relative, you can choose from a variety of stylish, modern, and character-driven designs. Envelopes with cute motifs or unique styles are also suitable for friends.
On the other hand, if you're attending a wedding for business reasons, such as a company senior, it's best to avoid envelopes with strong personal styles. Instead, select formal and simple designs. For close relatives who are giving large amounts of money, classic and luxurious envelopes are recommended. Choose envelopes with gold and silver decorations and a slightly larger size to signify the importance of the occasion.
Additionally, when placing money in a wedding envelope, remember to use new banknotes and place them inside the inner envelope with the portrait side facing up. The amount of money you give should be in odd numbers, as even numbers are considered inauspicious in Japanese culture. Avoid the numbers four and nine, as they are considered unlucky.
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Including a monetary gift in odd-numbered denominations
When it comes to Japanese weddings, there are certain etiquette guidelines to keep in mind, especially when it comes to giving monetary gifts. In Japan, wedding money is known as 'goshugi' or 'shugi'. It is considered auspicious to give money in odd-numbered denominations. This is because even numbers are divisible and symbolise 'division' or 'separation', which are not sentiments you want to associate with a wedding. Odd numbers, on the other hand, cannot be easily split, so they are considered more fortunate for weddings.
The amount of money given as a gift depends on your relationship with the couple. For example, single friends and colleagues typically give around ¥30,000, while married couples might give ¥50,000. The average amount largely depends on how close you are to the bride and groom. It is also customary for the money to be presented in new banknotes, which are considered free of impurity. These are placed inside a 'goshugi-bukuro' or 'shugi-bukuro' (gift money envelope), which is usually red and white and has inscriptions like '寿' (longevity) or '結婚御祝' (congratulations on your wedding).
When addressing the wedding card, it is respectful to write with a brush pen or fountain pen, using black ink. If you receive a card in Japanese, you may see the character “行” next to the sender’s name, which means “To.” To show respect, cross out “行” with two parallel lines and replace it with “様” (sama). Additionally, remember to cross out the “ご” or “ご芳” (polite prefix) in “ご住所” (address) and “ご芳名” (name).
It is also important to consider the type of envelope and knot used when giving a monetary gift. The envelope should have a ''musubikiri' knot, which is a tight, fixed knot indicating that the wedding is a one-time event. The standard colours for a wedding envelope are red and white, which signify celebratory occasions.
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Sending a thank you card after the wedding
Japanese weddings have strict rules and manners, and guests are expected to dress formally and modestly. Weddings in Japan are punctual, and guests are expected to arrive early. The guest list is carefully curated, and invitations are specific to named individuals. It is not common to bring a plus-one, and guests are expected to RSVP with their attendance status.
When sending a thank-you card after a Japanese wedding, it is essential to keep in mind that while it is not traditional, it is considered polite. You can use any thank-you card of your choice and express your appreciation for the couple and the celebration. You can also mention how wonderful they looked together.
If you are invited to the nijikai or secondary party, which is more casual, you should be prepared to contribute financially. It is considered respectful to send a congratulatory card and a monetary gift if you cannot attend the wedding. This gift is known as 'goshugi' and is usually given in new banknotes inside a 'goshugi-bukuro' or gift money envelope. It is best to avoid unlucky numbers such as 4 and 9, as well as even numbers, as they symbolize separation.
When filling out an RSVP card, it is advisable to use a brush pen or fountain pen with black ink. You will need to cross out the "go" or "ご," a marker of formality, and indicate whether you will attend or not. It is also common to receive a gift bag or "hikidemono" from the couple as a token of appreciation for attending the wedding.
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Frequently asked questions
Japanese wedding invitations usually come with an RSVP postcard. You need to send them back within a week, regardless of whether you plan to attend or not. On the front side of the postcard, put two lines through the '行 (to)' or '宛 (for)' under the name of the sender and add on '様 (sama/honorific suffix)'. Then, circle 'ご出席 (goshusseki/I will attend)' and put a double line through 'ご欠席 (gokesseki/I will not attend)'. Don't forget to add your name and address.
Japanese weddings are formal occasions, and guests are expected to dress accordingly. Men typically wear dark suits with white ties, while women often opt for elegant and modest dresses in subdued colours. It is considered impolite to wear white, as it is reserved for the bride.
In Japan, it is customary to give wedding money, known as 'ご祝儀 (goshugi)', in crisp, new banknotes. The amount depends on your relationship with the couple, but it is usually odd-numbered, as even numbers are associated with separation. Avoid giving money in multiples of four or nine, as these numbers are considered unlucky. Place the new banknotes inside a 'goshugi-bukuro' (gift money envelope) and hand it over at the wedding reception.
Wedding money envelopes come in many styles and materials. Avoid black and white, black and silver, yellow and white, silver and silver, blue and white, or white and white colour combinations, as these are associated with funerals and mourning. Choose an envelope with a "noshi" decoration or inscriptions like '寿 (longevity)' or '結婚御祝 (congratulations on your wedding)'.
On the outer envelope, write the purpose of the gift, '寿 (Kotobuki/celebrating a happy occasion)', and the sender's name. On the inner envelope, write the amount of the gift, along with the sender's address and name. It is customary to use a brush or fountain pen with deep black ink for writing on the envelope.
