Navigating Toxic Parents: Your Wedding, Your Rules

Planning a wedding can be stressful, especially when family members are involved. Some give unsolicited opinions; others might put pressure on you to do things a certain way. It can be hard to know if you're dealing with normal wedding planning angst from family or if someone is simply being toxic.

A relationship expert weighs in on how to navigate this delicate situation. Landis Bejar, a licensed New York State Mental Health Counsellor and owner of Aisle Talk, says that a person or a relationship is toxic when they cause you serious harm or emotional pain on a regular or recurring basis. If your interactions with a person always leave you feeling worse, rather than better, you might be dealing with a toxic relationship. You might feel manipulated or as if you are walking on eggshells. Another key indication that a relationship is toxic is if you've told the person you are uncomfortable with their behaviour, and they can't change.

If you find yourself dealing with negativity from family, here is how to handle the situation:

- Address the abuse with the person directly.

- If they minimise your experience, get defensive, or manipulate the conversation, set firmer boundaries.

- You don't have to argue with them or engage if they're yelling at you or causing you pain.

- If they are unwilling or incapable of changing their behaviour, you might need to cut them off completely.

- Write a letter or email to that family member, clearly explaining the reasons you don't want to be around them anymore.

- Stick to your decision, even if the other person tries to convince you to change your mind.

Weigh the pros and cons of inviting them

Deciding whether or not to invite a toxic parent to your wedding can be a difficult and stressful decision. Here are some pros and cons to consider when weighing your options:

Pros of Inviting Them:

• It could be an opportunity to repair or improve your relationship with your parent. Weddings are often seen as a time for family reconciliation and a chance to start fresh.
• Not inviting them may cause drama and tension with other family members who are invited or involved in the wedding. Inviting them could help maintain family peace and avoid potential conflicts.
• You may regret not having them there, especially if they are a significant figure in your life. Their absence could leave an emotional void, and you may wish they were there to share in your special day.
• It shows respect and consideration for your parent, even if your relationship is strained. It could be a gesture of goodwill and an attempt at reconciliation, which may be appreciated and reciprocated.
• Inviting them could lead to improved relationships with other family members. It may be a chance to rebuild bridges and strengthen family bonds.

Cons of Inviting Them:

• Their presence could negatively impact your wedding day and cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. If their behaviour is unpredictable or harmful, it may be best to avoid potential disruptions and protect your happiness.
• It could lead to further toxicity and strain in your relationship. Inviting them may not change their behaviour or attitude towards you and could even encourage more toxic actions or words.
• You may feel obligated to include them in wedding activities and rituals, such as walking down the aisle or giving a speech. This could cause discomfort and conflict, especially if your relationship is already strained.
• It could affect your enjoyment of the day and your ability to relax and celebrate. Constantly worrying about their behaviour and potential issues may detract from your happiness and the joy of the occasion.
• It may lead to resentment and further damage your relationship if they don't behave appropriately or respect your wishes. Their presence could be a constant reminder of the negative aspects of your relationship, rather than a chance for reconciliation.

Consider if their presence will negatively affect the wedding

When deciding whether to invite a toxic parent to a wedding, it is important to consider if their presence will negatively affect the wedding. Weddings are a time of love and joy, but they can also be a time of extreme stress. Toxic family members can amplify this stress and cause serious harm or emotional pain. If a toxic parent's presence at a wedding will make the couple getting married or their guests uncomfortable, it may be worth dealing with any hard feelings that may arise by not inviting them.

It is also important to consider whether there is a possibility of change before the wedding that can leave everyone happy. If there is enough interest, the couple may be able to salvage the relationship with the toxic parent before the wedding. However, if the relationship is irreversibly damaged and the couple does not see themselves ever forgiving the parent, there is no reason they have to invite them.

Ultimately, the couple getting married should do what is best for them and not worry about pleasing others.

Think about whether they are paying for the wedding

If your toxic parent is paying for your wedding, it can be tricky to decide whether to invite them or not. On the one hand, you may feel obligated to include them in your special day since they are contributing financially. On the other hand, you may worry about the potential for drama or conflict if they are in attendance.

It's important to remember that your wedding day is about you and your partner. If you feel that your toxic parent's presence will take away from your happiness and enjoyment of the day, it may be best to decline their financial contribution and plan a wedding that you can afford without their help. This way, you can maintain control over your guest list and ensure that you are surrounded by people who love and support you.

If you decide to accept financial help from your toxic parent, you may want to set clear boundaries and communicate your expectations for their behaviour during the wedding. It can be helpful to involve them in specific tasks or aspects of the planning process to give them a sense of inclusion without sacrificing your peace of mind.

Another option is to offer them a compromise. For example, you could invite them to a pre-wedding celebration or a post-wedding brunch, but not to the actual wedding ceremony and reception. This way, you can acknowledge their contribution without having to worry about their behaviour ruining your special day.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to invite a toxic parent to your wedding is a personal one. If you feel that their financial contribution is worth the potential stress of having them in attendance, then go for it. But if you would rather have a drama-free day surrounded by only your closest loved ones, it may be best to decline their offer of financial support and plan a wedding that aligns with your vision and values.

Be prepared to set boundaries

Setting boundaries with toxic parents can be challenging, but it is crucial to protect your well-being. Here are some strategies to help you prepare for setting boundaries:

• Recognise the signs of toxicity: Toxic parents consistently exhibit behaviours that cause guilt, fear, or obligation in their children. They are often self-centred, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, or uncaring. They may engage in physical or verbal abuse, name-calling, blame-shifting, silent treatment, or gaslighting.
• Understand the impact on your life: Reflect on how your toxic parents are impacting your life. Are you constantly seeking their approval? Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or criticised? Are you questioning your decisions and feeling guilty when you say no to them? Understanding the negative effects of their behaviour will empower you to take back control.
• Set clear and firm boundaries: Decide on the boundaries you need to establish with your parents. This may include limiting contact, setting specific topics to discuss, or only meeting in the presence of a buffer person. Communicate these boundaries clearly and consistently. Stay calm, resist blaming, and don't engage in arguments or power struggles.
• Don't try to change them: Focus your energy on what you can control—your responses, choices, and behaviour. Accept that you cannot change your parents or their behaviour. Trying to please them or change them will only lead to frustration.
• Be mindful of what you share: Toxic parents may not respect your privacy or use personal information against you. Choose what you share with them wisely. Only share what feels comfortable and safe. You are not obligated to disclose everything or answer their questions.
• Create distance: You don't have to cut off your parents completely, but creating distance can be beneficial. This may involve limiting communication, decreasing time spent together, or setting boundaries around specific topics or activities.
• Have an exit strategy: When interactions start to deteriorate, prioritise your well-being and remove yourself from the situation. You are not obligated to endure their toxic behaviour. Have a plan to leave or ask them to leave if things escalate.
• Seek support: Dealing with toxic parents can be emotionally draining. Consider reaching out to trusted friends or family members who understand your situation. If needed, seek professional support from a therapist or counsellor.

Remember, you have the right to set boundaries and prioritise your mental health. It's okay to make decisions that protect your well-being, even if your parents disagree.

Know when to cut ties

It can be challenging to decide whether to invite a toxic parent to your wedding. Here are some considerations to help you determine if it's time to cut ties and not include them in your special day:

• Reflect on the seriousness and recurrence of the harm or emotional pain caused by the toxic parent. Consider the negative impact on yourself and your guests if they attend the wedding. If their presence will create a hostile environment or cause significant discomfort, it may be best to exclude them.
• Assess the potential for change before the wedding. While some relationships are irreparably damaged, others may have a chance for improvement. If there's a possibility of positive change and reconciliation, it could be worth exploring that path to avoid long-term family rifts.
• Consider the financial dynamics. If the toxic parent is contributing significantly to the wedding expenses, excluding them may create additional challenges and hard feelings. However, if you are funding the wedding yourself, you have more autonomy in deciding the guest list.
• Set clear and firm boundaries. Communicate your feelings and experiences directly with the toxic parent. If they are receptive and willing to change, it could lead to a positive shift in the relationship. However, if they minimize your concerns, become defensive, or manipulate the conversation, it's a sign to establish firmer boundaries.
• Create distance as needed. This can involve reducing communication, limiting interactions to specific topics or activities, involving a buffer person during visits, and blocking them on social media.
• Evaluate the need for a complete break. If, despite your efforts to address the toxicity and set boundaries, the situation remains stressful and emotionally draining, it may be necessary to cut ties completely. This can be done through a letter or email clearly explaining your reasons and the steps you've taken to improve the relationship.
• Seek support from understanding family and friends. Surround yourself with people who can provide unconditional love and help you navigate the complexities of dealing with a toxic parent during this important time in your life.

Frequently asked questions