Jewish Weddings: Who Can Have Them?

Jewish wedding traditions are steeped in history, symbolism, and religious significance. The rituals are not just aesthetic choices but links in a long chain that connects the Jewish people across time, space, and struggle. They are designed to emphasize how the marriage celebration is a communal event that isn't just about the couple but their place in the Jewish community. While some non-Jewish people have chosen to borrow Jewish rituals for their weddings, this is considered cultural appropriation by many Jews.

If you are not Jewish and want to incorporate Jewish wedding traditions into your ceremony, it is important to understand the significance of these rituals and respect the history and religion of the Jewish community. It is also worth noting that Jewish weddings are not usually performed on Shabbat or major Jewish holidays, and there are certain dates that are considered more auspicious for a wedding than others.

Jewish wedding rituals and cultural appropriation

Jewish wedding rituals are steeped in history, tradition, and religious significance. They are not just aesthetic choices to make a wedding unique or stand out, and as such, they are not appropriate for non-Jewish weddings.

Jewish wedding rituals are imbued with deep meaning and are an integral part of the Jewish religion and community. Each ritual serves a specific purpose and holds symbolic value that is intrinsic to the Jewish faith. For example, the chuppah (wedding canopy) symbolises the new home being built by the couple, while the ketubah (marriage contract) outlines the groom's obligations to the bride and has the standing of a legally binding agreement. The breaking of the glass is believed to symbolise that joy must always be tempered and is a reminder of the destruction of the two Jewish temples.

Jewish weddings also have specific requirements and restrictions regarding the timing and structure of the ceremony. They are traditionally held on Sundays, as Jewish weddings do not take place on Shabbat (from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset) or on major Jewish holidays. There are also certain dates that are considered more auspicious for a Jewish wedding, such as Tuesdays and the beginning of each Jewish month (Rosh Chodesh).

While it is important to acknowledge and respect the cultural and religious significance of Jewish wedding rituals, it is also worth noting that there is a distinction between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. Cultural appropriation involves taking aspects of a culture that are not your own and using them without understanding or respecting the deeper meaning and context. On the other hand, cultural appreciation involves learning about and valuing another culture while respecting its boundaries and not appropriating its rituals or traditions as your own.

If you are not Jewish but are interested in incorporating Jewish wedding rituals into your wedding, it is essential to do so in a way that demonstrates appreciation and respect for the Jewish culture and religion. This could involve educating yourself and your guests about the meaning and significance of the rituals, consulting with Jewish friends or experts, and ensuring that any rituals or traditions you choose to include are appropriate and not offensive. Ultimately, it is important to remember that Jewish wedding rituals are not just aesthetic choices but are deeply rooted in the Jewish faith and community.

The Jewish wedding ceremony

A Jewish wedding ceremony follows Jewish laws and traditions. While ceremonies can vary, common features include a ketubah (a marriage contract), a chuppah or huppah (a wedding canopy), a ring owned by the groom that is given to the bride under the canopy, and the breaking of a glass.

The Jewish wedding process has two distinct stages: the first, kiddushin (betrothal or sanctification), and the second, nissuin (marriage), when the couple starts their life together. The ceremony that accomplishes nissuin is also known as chuppah.

Before the wedding ceremony, the groom agrees to the terms of the ketubah in the presence of two witnesses, who then sign the contract. The ketubah details the groom's obligations to the bride, including food, clothing, and marital relations. This document is legally binding, though it may be hard to collect these amounts in a secular court. It is often written as an illuminated manuscript that is framed and displayed in the couple's home. Under the chuppah, the signed ketubah is traditionally read aloud in its Aramaic original, though sometimes a translation is used, or a bilingual or shortened version is read out.

A traditional Jewish wedding ceremony takes place under a chuppah (wedding canopy), which symbolises the new home being built by the couple. The chuppah used in Ashkenazi ceremonies includes a cloth canopy held up by four beams, and is traditionally standing under an open sky. In some Sephardic weddings, the tallit (prayer shawl) worn by the groom is used as the chuppah. Once the ceremony concludes, the groom wraps the tallit around himself and his new wife, signifying their joining.

In many Orthodox Jewish communities, the bride is escorted to the chuppah by both mothers, and the groom is escorted by both fathers. In another custom, the couple is escorted by their respective parents. However, the escorts may be any happily married couple. There is also a custom in some Ashkenazi communities for the escorts to hold candles as they process to the chuppah.

In Ashkenazi tradition, the bride walks around the groom three or seven times when she arrives at the chuppah. This may derive from Jeremiah 31:22, "A woman shall surround a man". The three circuits may represent the three virtues of marriage: righteousness, justice and loving kindness. Seven circuits derive from the Biblical concept that seven denotes perfection or completeness. This has also been linked to when Joshua circled the walls of Jericho seven times and they were destroyed. Sephardic Jews do not perform this ceremony.

In egalitarian weddings, this custom is often modified for the sake of equality, or for a same-gender couple. One adaptation of this tradition is for the bride to circle the groom three times, then for the groom to circle his bride three times, and then for each to circle each other. The symbolism of the circling has been reinterpreted to signify the centrality of one spouse to the other, or to represent the matriarchs and patriarchs.

In traditional weddings, two blessings are recited before the betrothal: a blessing over wine, and the betrothal blessing, which is specified in the Talmud. The wine is then tasted by the couple.

Rings are not required; they are simply the most common way of fulfilling the bride price requirement. The bride price (or ring) must have a monetary value no less than a single prutah (the smallest denomination of currency used during the Talmudic era). The low value is to ensure there are no financial barriers to marriage. According to Jewish law, the ring must be composed of solid metal (gold or silver are preferred), with no gem settings, so that its value is easily ascertained.

The groom gives the bride a ring, traditionally a plain wedding band, and recites: "Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the law of Moses and Israel." The groom places the ring on the bride's right index finger, and two valid witnesses must see him do this.

During some egalitarian weddings, the bride will also present a ring to the groom, with a quote from the Song of Songs: "Ani l'dodi, ve dodi li" (I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine), which may be inscribed on the ring. This ring is sometimes presented outside the chuppah to avoid conflicts with Jewish law.

The wedding formally begins when The Sheva Brachot (seven blessings) are read by the hazzan, rabbi, or select guests. The groom is given the cup of wine to drink from after the seven blessings, and the bride also drinks the wine. Traditions vary as to whether additional songs are sung before the seven blessings.

After the bride has been given the ring, or at the end of the ceremony (depending on local custom), the groom breaks a glass, crushing it with his right foot. There are different reasons for this custom. Some believe that breaking the glass is a somber occurrence to reflect on the destruction of the two Jewish temples. Others argue that it is a reminder that despite the joy, Jews still mourn the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Because of this, some recite the verses "If I forget thee / O Jerusalem..." (Ps. 137:5) at this point.

In Reform Judaism, there is a new custom where the bride and groom break the wine glass together.

Yichud refers to the Ashkenazi practice of leaving the bride and groom alone for 8–20 minutes after the wedding ceremony. Yichud can take place anywhere, from a rabbi's study to a synagogue classroom. The reason for yichud is that, according to several authorities, standing under the canopy alone does not constitute chuppah, and seclusion is necessary to complete the wedding ceremony. However, Sephardic Jews do not have this custom, as they consider it a compromise of the couple's modesty.

Today, the Yichud is not used to physically consummate the marriage. Instead, couples will often eat and relax together for this short period of time before the dancing and celebrations of nissuin begin. Since the wedding day is considered the bride and groom's personal Yom Kippur, they may choose to fast leading up to the wedding. The Yichud can be spent as a time for the couple to break their fast and have their first meal together.

After the wedding ceremony and the Yichud, the bride and groom will make a grand entrance into a room filled with friends and family to begin the celebrations. The wedding ceremony is considered a serious religious event, while the wedding feast is considered a fun, lively celebration. It is expected and required for the guests to bring joy and festivities to the couple on their wedding day.

Choosing an auspicious date for a Jewish wedding

When choosing an auspicious date for a Jewish wedding, there are several considerations to keep in mind. Firstly, it is important to avoid certain Jewish holidays and periods of mourning. These include Passover, Sukkot, Shavuot, Purim, Rosh HaShanah, Yom Kippur, and the Ten Days of Repentance. Additionally, weddings are not typically held on Fridays or Saturdays due to the Shabbat.

On the other hand, certain days of the week and specific dates within the Jewish calendar are considered especially auspicious for Jewish weddings. Tuesdays are considered "doubly good" days as, in the story of Creation, it is the only day that God saw as "good" twice. The first fifteen days of the Jewish lunar month are also favourable, as the waxing moon symbolizes increasing abundance. The beginning of each Jewish month, or Rosh Chodesh, is considered an auspicious time for couples to begin their married life together.

The Hebrew month of Kislev, which includes the holiday of Chanukah, is also considered a great time for Jewish weddings due to the symbolism of adding light to the world. Tu B'Av, the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Av, has historically been associated with Jewish weddings as it celebrates love and joy.

When choosing a date, it is also important to consider the availability of the rabbi or cantor who will officiate the wedding. It is recommended to speak with them before finalizing the wedding date to ensure their participation.

The Jewish wedding banquet

The wedding banquet is considered a serious religious event, while the banquet itself is a time of celebration. It is expected and required for guests to bring joy and festivities to the couple on their wedding day.

The banquet is broken up into two celebrations. The first part of the wedding feast involves dancing and celebrations, but men and women are separated. After a couple of hours, a more lively celebration begins, typically after the older guests have left. There is a mixing of men and women (not at orthodox weddings), and a dance is usually involved.

Dancing is a major feature of Jewish weddings. Guests dance in front of the seated couple to entertain them. Traditional Ashkenazi dances include:

• The Krenzl, where the bride's mother is crowned with a wreath of flowers as her daughters dance around her.
• The Mizinke, a dance for the parents of the bride or groom when their last child is wed.
• The Horah, a circle dance where dancers link arms or hold hands and move with a grapevine step.
• The gladdening of the bride, where guests dance around the bride, often with "shtick" such as signs, banners, costumes, confetti, and jump ropes made of table napkins.
• The Mitzvah tantz, where family members and honoured rabbis are invited to dance in front of the bride, often with a gartel, and then with the groom. At the end, the bride and groom dance together.

After the meal, Birkat Hamazon (Grace after meals) is recited, followed by sheva brachot. At a wedding banquet, an enhanced version of the call to Birkat Hamazon is used, including (in Ashkenazic communities) the first stanza of Devai Haser. Prayer booklets called bentshers may be handed out to guests. After the prayers, the blessing over the wine is recited, with two glasses of wine poured together into a third, symbolising the creation of a new life together.

Jewish prenuptial agreements

Halakha (Jewish law) states that for a Jewish divorce to be valid, the husband must place a get in his wife's hands of his own free will. If he does not have the intention to divorce his wife, no other party can do so in his place. When a husband refuses to grant a get, his wife is referred to as a mesorevet get. The problem of get-refusal became more widespread when Jews lived in countries where civil divorce was available separately from religious divorce.

The earliest prenuptial agreement for the prevention of get-refusal was developed and accepted by the Rabbinical Council of Morocco in 1953. The most prominent prenuptial agreement signed within the Orthodox Jewish community in the United States is the agreement of the Beth Din of America, a "binding arbitration agreement". The heart of this prenuptial agreement is the monetary obligation undertaken by the groom, who agrees to support his wife at a particular rate if they are no longer living together, as long as they remain married according to Jewish law. This discourages men from turning their wives into agunot and protects women from becoming victims of get extortion.

The prenuptial agreement does not directly mention the get, as that could be interpreted as compromising the man's free will to give it. Instead, it enforces the husband's obligation, as set forth in the ketubah (Jewish wedding contract), to support his wife.

In the United Kingdom, the London Beth Din offers a prenuptial agreement that is a generic arbitration agreement, appointing the London Beth Din as the arbiter in the event of any matrimonial dispute. A more detailed agreement, based on the Israeli "Agreement for Mutual Respect", is called "The Prenuptial Agreement for Mutual Respect (PAMR) for use in England".

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