Cold Feet: Calling Off My Wedding, What Now?

Calling off a wedding is a difficult decision that can be emotionally challenging and overwhelming. It is essential to trust your instincts and recognise red flags in a relationship, such as abuse or controlling behaviour. While it may be a challenging process, calling off a wedding can be a relief and the right decision in the long term. It is crucial to prioritise your emotional well-being and seek support from friends, family, or professionals during this time.

Trust your gut

Calling off a wedding is never easy, but it can be the right decision. It's important to trust your instincts and listen to your gut. If you're having doubts about your upcoming wedding, it's crucial to pay attention to those feelings and explore them further. Here are some reasons why trusting your gut is essential when considering calling off your wedding:

Recognising Red Flags

If you're sensing red flags in your relationship, it's crucial to trust your gut and address them. Red flags can take various forms, such as anger issues, an inability to agree or compromise, abuse, or a lack of financial transparency. For example, Julie, a 29-year-old woman, always sensed that her ex had severe anger issues. When they couldn't agree on anything during the wedding planning process, it cemented her realisation that they were not a good match. Trusting her gut and calling off the wedding was the best choice she ever made.

Distinguishing Between Cold Feet and an Unhealthy Relationship

It's normal to have cold feet or pre-wedding jitters. However, it's important to distinguish between cold feet and being in an unhealthy relationship. A psychotherapist, Amanda Luterman, explains that while it's typical to have fears and nerves about disappointing your partner, dreading looking into the eyes of your chosen partner is a telling sign. If the thought of walking down the aisle fills you with anxiety instead of joy and excitement, it might be time to reevaluate your decision.

Embracing the Feeling of Relief

When you trust your gut and call off a wedding that isn't right for you, it can bring a sense of relief. Britney Q., a 29-year-old who called off her wedding, shared that it was like taking a giant sigh of relief and feeling a giant ball of stress rolling off her shoulders. She emphasised the importance of trusting her gut, which allowed her to breathe and calm her nerves.

Avoiding Future Heartache

Trusting your gut and calling off a wedding can save you and your fiancé a lot of heartache in the long run. While it may be difficult in the short term, it shows courage and self-awareness. By recognising that the relationship isn't meant to be, you're making a brave decision that can prevent future pain and unhappiness for both of you.

Seeking Professional Help

If you're unsure about your decision, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Spending a lot of time with your partner during the wedding planning process can cloud your ability to evaluate your relationship objectively. Counselling or therapy can help you gain clarity and make the right choice for yourself. It's essential to remember that calling off a wedding is a challenging but valid option if your gut is telling you it's not the right path.

Identify red flags

Identifying red flags is crucial when considering whether to call off a wedding. Here are some signs that may indicate it's time to re-evaluate your relationship and consider calling off the wedding:

• Major problems in the relationship: If you notice significant issues, such as substance abuse, anger issues, or a lack of respect from your partner, these are red flags. It's concerning if you've tried to address these problems but see no effort from your partner to resolve them.
• Impact on children: If you have children from a previous relationship or together, consider their well-being. While you may worry about disappointing them, remember that children are resilient and thrive in households filled with love, not dread or regret.
• Disappointing others: Don't let the fear of disappointing wedding guests or family members be the reason you go through with the wedding. Your loved ones would likely prefer you to be happy and honest rather than going through with a wedding you're conflicted about.
• Inability to explain "why": If your family or friends have questioned why you're marrying this person, and you struggle to provide a genuine answer, it may be a sign that you're not truly committed to the relationship.
• Divorce on your mind: Thinking about divorce even before getting married is a significant red flag. Marriage won't magically solve the issues in your relationship. If you're already contemplating divorce, it's worth evaluating whether the relationship is worth saving.
• Feeling pressured: If you feel like getting married is your only chance at happiness or you're doing it just to keep up with others, that's a warning sign. Don't let external pressures or your age dictate your decision to marry. You have many more opportunities to find love with the right person.
• Lack of mutual respect: Mutual respect is essential in a healthy relationship. If you or your partner exhibit controlling behaviour, financial irresponsibility, or a lack of respect for each other, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
• Secretive finances: Secretive behaviour regarding finances can be a red flag. Financial secrecy may indicate trust issues or potential financial abuse.
• Emotional or physical abuse: Abuse of any kind, be it emotional, verbal, physical, or financial, is an automatic deal-breaker. If you or your partner are experiencing abuse, seek help immediately and do not proceed with the wedding.

Tell your guests

Informing your guests about the cancellation is one of the most challenging aspects of calling off a wedding. It is essential to act quickly to prevent guests from incurring unnecessary expenses, such as booking travel and accommodation.

If you have already sent out invitations, it is best to call each guest on the list as soon as possible. Although it may be uncomfortable, it is preferable to making a text announcement, which is considered too informal for such serious news. If you are unable to make the calls yourself, enlist the help of your maid of honour, best man, parents, siblings, or other close friends or family members.

If you have sent out "save-the-dates" but not formal invitations, it is appropriate to send printed cards to inform guests of the cancellation. These should be worded similarly to the invitations, for example: "Mr and Mrs John Smith announce that the marriage of their daughter Suzy Q to John Smith will not take place." Alternatively, you can send a simple postcard with a sentence such as: "The wedding between John Smith and Suzy Q has been postponed indefinitely."

When informing guests, there is no need for lengthy explanations or apologies. A simple statement that the wedding has been cancelled is sufficient, and you are under no obligation to disclose the reasons behind the decision. You may also include a request for privacy, such as: "We kindly request that you do not contact us with questions as we go through this difficult time."

Remember, calling off a wedding is a difficult decision, and it is normal to feel overwhelmed and emotional. Seek support from your close friends and family, and consider enlisting the help of a professional therapist or coach to guide you through this challenging time.

Go to therapy

Calling off a wedding can be an incredibly shameful and overwhelming experience. It can leave you with unanswered questions, self-doubt, and guilt. If you are considering calling off your wedding, therapy can help you evaluate your relationship objectively and decide whether calling off the wedding is the right decision for you.

When in doubt, getting a professional opinion can be extremely helpful. Spending a lot of time with your partner can cloud your ability to evaluate your dynamic objectively. A therapist can help you identify any red flags in your relationship and decide whether it is healthy to move forward with the wedding. They can also help you work through any pre-wedding jitters and nerves, which are completely normal.

Therapy can also be beneficial if you are dealing with the emotional aftermath of calling off your wedding. Ending an engagement can be traumatic and lead to feelings of embarrassment, guilt, shame, and sadness. A therapist can help you process these emotions and support you in your long-term healing.

If you are unsure about going to therapy, consider seeking support from close family and friends. It is important to have a support system in place during this difficult time.

Remember, calling off a wedding can be a challenging and emotionally painful experience, but it is not uncommon. You are not alone, and there is help available.

Forget the cost

Calling off a wedding can be an incredibly challenging and emotionally painful experience. The process can feel incredibly shameful and overwhelming, and it's completely normal to feel down and depressed after calling off your wedding. It is essential to focus on yourself and your emotional well-being during this time.

It is important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. According to a 2013 study from The Wedding Report, 13% of engaged couples never end up tying the knot. While it may be difficult to call off a wedding due to the financial costs incurred, it is crucial to prioritise your well-being and long-term happiness. Staying in an unhealthy relationship or going through with a wedding you dread is not worth the invested time or money.

The financial costs of calling off a wedding can be significant, with couples spending an average of $33,391 on their weddings, and many vendors requiring deposits in advance. However, it is important to remember that your vendors have likely dealt with cancelled weddings before and may be willing to work with you on refunds or credits. Be transparent with your vendors and ask about their cancellation policies and flexibility.

Additionally, be mindful of the logistical tasks that need to be addressed, such as informing your guests, managing gifts and returning items such as the engagement ring and wedding dress. These tasks can be delegated to a trusted friend or family member if you are unable to handle them yourself.

Remember, your emotional well-being is the top priority during this challenging time. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional therapist or coach to help you process your emotions and navigate the long-term healing process.

Frequently asked questions