Who's Coming To The Wedding? Ask Or Not?

Asking who else is coming to a wedding can be a tricky situation, and opinions vary on whether it is rude to do so or not. Some people believe that it is rude to ask the host or invite-sender about the guest list, as it may come across as you're not enough for me, who else will be there?. On the other hand, others argue that it is not rude to ask, especially if one has social anxiety or wants to avoid certain individuals. In the end, it may depend on the context, the relationship with the host, and one's own social needs and priorities.

Asking the host about other guests

However, there are exceptions to this. If there is someone you want to avoid, such as an ex-partner, it is acceptable to ask the host if that specific person has been invited. You could also ask if you have social anxiety, and the types of people attending could impact your decision to go. In this case, you could ask the host how many people are coming and how many you will know, so you can decide if it is something you can manage.

If you are close friends with the host, you will likely already know who has been invited, so the point is moot. If you are not close with the host, it is best not to ask directly, as it may come across as rude. Instead, you could try asking other guests if they are attending.

Gauging the guest's interest in attending

Gauging the number of guests who will attend your wedding can be tricky, but there are a few things you can do to get an idea of numbers.

Firstly, it's worth noting that, on average, you can expect around 20% of your invited guests to RSVP that they cannot come to your wedding. This number can vary depending on various factors, such as the location of the wedding in relation to where your guests live. If your wedding is a destination wedding or requires travel, you can typically expect a lower percentage of people to RSVP 'yes', but almost all of those who do RSVP 'yes' will attend. This is because guests will need to make arrangements and spend money on travel, so they are more likely to carefully consider their RSVP and only accept if they are sure they can make it. On the other hand, if your wedding is close to where most of your guests live, you could see a larger number of 'yes' RSVPs, but a higher number of no-shows on the day. This is because when there is no travel involved, people may be more likely to RSVP 'yes' without carefully considering whether they will actually be able to attend, and they may be more likely to change their plans at the last minute.

Another factor to consider is the time of year. Holiday weddings, such as those on Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, or the Fourth of July, may see a larger number of 'no' RSVPs or no-shows, as guests may prefer to spend these days with their families. Similarly, weddings during inclement weather seasons, such as hurricane or blizzard season, may also affect your attendance due to accidents, unsafe conditions, or people not wanting to travel in bad weather.

To get a more accurate idea of numbers, you could try creating categories of guests within your guest list. For weddings, you could have three groupings:

• "Mandatory": This includes the couple, their parents and siblings, the wedding party, and any other relatives who must be in attendance.
• "Likely": Close friends and extended family who are very likely to prioritise attendance but are not mandatory.
• "Possible": Guests whose interest and/or availability are unknown, or guests who will only be invited after the first wave of invitations has been sent out and some invitees have declined.

You could also try reaching out to guests directly to ask if they plan to attend. This could be done through a simple phone call, text, email, or social media message. It may be a good idea to send these messages after your RSVP deadline has passed, to give guests a chance to respond through the official channels first. When reaching out, it can be helpful to mention that you need to give a final headcount to the caterers soon, as this may prompt a faster response.

Remember that it is always a good idea to plan for your budget and space as if all of your invited guests will attend. This will help you avoid stress in the final weeks before your wedding, and any extra money you budgeted can be a nice cushion for any last-minute expenses.

Asking other guests about the guest list

Different Perspectives on Asking About the Guest List

• Some people believe it is rude to ask the host or other guests about the guest list before accepting an invitation. It may come across as "you're not enough for me, who else will be there?" or indicate that your decision to attend depends more on the guest list than the people being honoured.
• Others argue that it is not rude and that social needs differ among individuals. They suggest being upfront about your curiosity and asking the host if a specific person is attending because you don't want to be there if they are. This approach may be suitable if you have social anxiety or want to avoid certain individuals.
• A middle ground suggests waiting until after you've accepted the invitation to inquire about the guest list. This way, you're expressing your excitement about attending while also satisfying your curiosity.

Suggested Approaches to Asking About the Guest List

• If you have social anxiety or particular individuals you want to avoid, consider asking the host in a general way: "I'd love to come, but I'm nervous about mixing with so many people. Can I ask how many people will be there and how many I might know so I can gauge if this is something I can manage?"
• Reach out to mutual friends from your circle to inquire about the guest list discreetly. However, be cautious as they may not have been invited, and this approach could create an awkward situation.
• If you have a close relationship with the host, you may already know who they invited, making it unnecessary to ask.
• Consider the context: if it's a casual get-together or a party with friends, it's more acceptable to ask about the guest list. However, for more formal events or celebrations honouring someone, it's better to attend regardless of who else is going.

Deciding whether to decline the invitation

When deciding whether to decline a wedding invitation, there are several factors to consider. Firstly, it is essential to assess your relationship with the couple getting married. If you are close friends or family, your presence is likely to be more important to them, and declining the invitation may be more hurtful. On the other hand, if you are only acquaintances or have lost touch over the years, the couple may be more understanding of your decision to decline.

Another factor to consider is your own comfort level and enjoyment of the event. If you are an introvert or have social anxiety, attending a wedding where you don't know many people can be challenging. In this case, it may be reasonable to decline the invitation, especially if the wedding requires significant travel or expense. However, keep in mind that weddings are a great opportunity to meet new people and reconnect with old friends, so you might still consider attending even if you don't know many guests.

The timing and location of the wedding can also play a role in your decision. If the wedding conflicts with other commitments or if attending would require a long journey, it may be more reasonable to decline. Additionally, consider your budget and whether you can afford the associated costs, such as travel, accommodation, and a wedding gift.

Lastly, it is essential to be honest with yourself about your reasons for considering a decline. If you are genuinely excited about the wedding and want to celebrate with the couple, then make every effort to attend. However, if you are only attending out of obligation or because of external pressure, the couple may sense your reluctance, and it may be better to politely decline and send your well wishes instead.

The guest's relationship with the host

However, if the guest has a more distant relationship with the host, they may feel more comfortable asking about the guest list. In this case, it is important to be tactful and sensitive, as the host may interpret the question as a sign that the guest is not interested in attending solely to celebrate with them. One way to approach this could be to express enthusiasm for the wedding and then ask about specific people, rather than a general inquiry about the guest list. For example, a guest could say something like, "I'm so excited to celebrate your big day! By the way, will your cousin [Name] be there? I haven't seen them in ages." This approach shows interest in the wedding while also allowing the guest to gather information about who else will be attending.

Additionally, if a guest has social anxiety or particular concerns about interacting with certain individuals, it may be appropriate to ask the host about the guest list. In this case, the guest could express their enthusiasm for the wedding but also explain their anxiety or concerns. For example, a guest could say, "I'd love to come and celebrate with you, but I get nervous in large groups of people I don't know. Can you give me an idea of who will be there so I can prepare myself?" Being open and honest about these concerns can help the host understand the guest's perspective and make an informed decision about sharing the guest list.

It is worth noting that some people may still consider it rude to ask about the guest list, even with a close relationship to the host. In these situations, it may be better to decline the invitation or to attend the wedding without knowing the full guest list in advance. Ultimately, the decision to ask or not to ask depends on the specific dynamics of the relationship between the guest and the host, as well as the guest's comfort level with attending the wedding.

Frequently asked questions