Deborah Chan
While there are no hard and fast rules for weddings, there are some traditional etiquette guidelines that many people follow. For example, it is customary for the bride's family to pay for the wedding, but nowadays, many couples pay for their own weddings. Other traditions include the bride being given away, the bride and groom sitting at a top table, and the groom and groomsmen giving toasts. Many of these traditions are being replaced by more modern practices, such as couples walking down the aisle together, sitting among their guests, and bridesmaids giving speeches. There are also a number of rules of etiquette for guests, such as not wearing white, arriving on time, and not inviting someone to pre-wedding events if they are not invited to the wedding.
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Inviting guests
While there are no strict rules for weddings, there are some guidelines and etiquette rules that are considered standard. Here are some tips specifically for inviting guests to your wedding:
Guest List Etiquette
Firstly, it's important to remember that this is your wedding, and you can invite whoever you want. If you're paying for the wedding yourself, you have more freedom to invite whoever you like without family interference. However, if your parents are contributing financially and want to invite their friends, it's polite to allow them to do so, perhaps with a set number of guests they can invite.
When it comes to family, traditionally, you should treat them as an "all-or-nothing". If you invite one aunt, you invite them all, along with all the uncles. The same goes for cousins and grandparents. However, this rule doesn't apply to the bride and groom's families; they can invite as many or as few family members as they like without mirroring each other.
For friends, a good rule of thumb is to invite those you see regularly and have a close relationship with. If you only see someone at events organised by mutual friends, they are likely an acquaintance and don't need an invite. The same goes for friends you've grown apart from, even if you were in their wedding party. You are not obligated to invite your boss unless you consider them a friend.
Plus-Ones
The topic of plus-ones can be tricky. Traditional etiquette states that everyone should have the option to invite a plus-one, but this can be expensive. A compromise is to offer plus-ones to those in serious relationships, engaged, or living together. If budget allows, you can extend plus-ones to everyone.
Children
It is becoming more common to have adult-only weddings. If you choose to do this, be clear in your invitations, perhaps by only naming the parents on the invite. If parents still add their children's names on the RSVP, give them a call to politely explain that children are not invited.
Save the Dates and Invitations
If you send someone a "save the date", you must send them a wedding invite, even if they can't make it. Not sending an invitation suggests they are no longer invited. If you know the name of a guest's plus-one, include it on the invitation to make them feel welcome. Your RSVP cards should include postage, as it's common courtesy to pre-stamp envelopes or postcards.
Other Considerations
It's considered poor etiquette to include registry information on your wedding invitation. Instead, add your registry to your wedding website and include a link on your stationery. Never invite a guest to your wedding via text message or social media.
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Gifts and registries
Wedding gifts and registries are a topic fraught with etiquette considerations. While some traditions are becoming outdated, there are still some rules that couples may wish to follow.
Firstly, it is considered poor etiquette to include registry information on wedding invitations. Instead, couples are advised to add their registry to their wedding website and include a link on their stationery or save-the-date cards. This is to avoid appearing to solicit gifts. Information about registries is usually spread by word of mouth, with close family and friends informing other guests of the couple's wishes. Wedding websites have made this process easier, as couples can post links to their online registries or list their physical locations.
There are no hard and fast rules about what to include on a registry, and couples can choose to be as traditional or unconventional as they like. Some couples opt for a mix of fun, everyday gifts and formal items, such as kitchenware, home decor, leisure items, and even gardening equipment or camping gear. Others may still prefer to stick to traditional choices, such as formal china, silverware, and crystal glasses. It is also acceptable to request cash contributions instead of physical gifts, especially if the couple already has many material possessions. Couples can set up specific cash funds for experiences or life milestones, such as a honeymoon fund.
When creating a registry, it is recommended to include a variety of options at different price points to accommodate guests' varying budgets and interests. It is also a good idea to have more than one registry, but no more than three or four, to offer guests a range of choices. Ultimately, the registry should reflect the couple's unique personalities, interests, and needs, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
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Wedding attire
When it comes to wedding attire, there are several factors to consider to ensure your outfit is appropriate and comfortable. Firstly, understand the dress code specified by the couple. Common wedding dress codes include black-tie, semi-formal, casual, and festive.
For black-tie weddings, men typically wear tuxedos with a black bow tie, vest or cummerbund, and patent leather shoes. Women usually opt for floor-length gowns, fancy cocktail dresses, or dressy pantsuits. Black-tie optional is slightly less formal, allowing men to wear a dark suit and tie, while women can still choose from the same options as black-tie.
Semi-formal weddings offer more flexibility. Men can wear a dress shirt, slacks, and a tie, with the option to add a creative pocket square. Women can experiment with bolder colours, playful accessories, and unique silhouettes for their cocktail party attire.
Casual weddings still require a certain level of formality. Men can opt for dress shirts, slacks, or Mexican wedding shirts for tropical destinations. Jeans are generally not recommended but may be acceptable for rustic, outdoor settings. Women should choose nice sandals or wedges and avoid extremely short or flowy dresses, especially if the wedding is outdoors.
Festive weddings encourage guests to have fun with their attire. Women can wear cocktail attire with bold colours and playful accessories, while men can wear patterned or textured suits with bright ties.
Other factors to consider include the weather, location, and time of day. For outdoor weddings, choose seasonally appropriate fabrics like linen and cotton for summer, or velvet for winter. Comfortable shoes are essential, especially for weddings with activities like dancing or long walks. Avoid wearing white, as well as champagne, cream, and light shades of gold and tan, which may be too similar to the bride's dress. Finally, always respect the couple's wishes and try to align your outfit with their colour palette and theme.
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Wedding speeches
Timing and Order
The timing and order of wedding speeches depend on the wedding schedule. Traditionally, wedding speeches take place after dinner, but this is not a rule. If there is a long gap between the ceremony and reception, it is advisable to have the speeches before dinner, so guests do not have to wait too long for their meal.
The number of speeches should also be considered; it is recommended to limit the number of speakers to four to ensure the reception timeline is not disrupted. Each speaker should aim for a speech of around 2-5 minutes, with 3 minutes being the sweet spot.
The traditional order of wedding speeches usually starts with the parents of the couple, followed by the groom, and then the bride. However, this is not set in stone, and couples can choose to mix up the order or include other speakers, such as the best man, maid of honour, bridesmaids, or close friends.
Content and Delivery
When it comes to content, it is essential to focus on the couple and their journey together. While it is common to share anecdotes and stories, it is important to avoid anything that could embarrass the couple or guests. Keep the speech sincere and heartfelt, and try to include both members of the couple, rather than focusing on just one.
It is not necessary to be funny, but if humour is your strength, feel free to include some jokes. Just make sure they are warm and not insulting. Avoid inside jokes or fixating on a single moment, like a bachelor party or college days.
Practice your speech beforehand, but don't worry about memorising every word. Connecting with the audience is more powerful than reading off a page. Introduce yourself, acknowledge those who helped with the wedding, and finish with a toast to the happy couple.
Remember, the most important rule is to be true to yourself and what matters to you as a couple.
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Wedding photos
Wedding photography is a challenging task that requires the photographer to be highly skilled and versatile. They must navigate various restrictions and rules imposed by the couple, officiant, and venue, while also managing the expectations of the couple and their families.
One of the key considerations for wedding photographers is the type of ceremony being conducted. Religious ceremonies, particularly in churches, often have stricter rules regarding photography. These may include restrictions on flash photography, movement during the ceremony, or even a complete ban on photography. It is important for the photographer to be respectful of these rules and find creative ways to capture the event without causing any disturbance.
Before the wedding, photographers should discuss any restrictions with the couple and the officiant to ensure they are clear on what is and isn't allowed. While some officiants may be strict, others may be willing to compromise if they understand the importance of photography to the couple. Photographers can also offer assurances that they will be discrete and uphold the sanctity of the occasion.
Another aspect to consider is the ownership and rights to the wedding photos. Traditionally, the photographer holds the copyright to the images and can grant printing or usage rights to the couple. Some photographers may charge extra for these rights, while others may include them in their packages. It is important for couples to carefully review the contract to understand what they are paying for and if there are any restrictions on how they can use the photos.
Finally, the couple may also choose to impose a 'no photos' rule for their guests, encouraging them to be fully present during the ceremony without the distraction of phone screens. While this may disappoint some guests, it ultimately ensures that everyone's attention is focused on celebrating the couple's special day.
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Frequently asked questions
While there are no strict rules for weddings, there are some guidelines and traditions that are commonly followed. Ultimately, it's up to the couple to decide how they want to structure their wedding and what traditions they want to include or exclude.
Some common wedding traditions include the couple's first dance, the father-daughter dance, the exchange of vows and rings, and the cutting of the cake. Other traditions include the bride wearing white, the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding, and the tossing of the bouquet.
It is generally considered rude to wear white to a wedding as it is the colour traditionally worn by the bride. It is also recommended to avoid wearing cream or ivory to avoid resembling the bride.
It is not necessary to bring a gift to a wedding, especially if the couple has specified "no gifts" on the invitation. However, it is common courtesy to send a gift or contribute to the couple's registry or honeymoon fund if you are attending the wedding.
While it was traditionally considered rude to ask for money as a wedding gift, this practice has become more widely accepted. Many couples now request cash contributions or create honeymoon funds, which guests can contribute to.
