Junior Rasmussen
Self-uniting marriage, also known as self-solemnization, is a way for couples to marry without a third-party officiant. While this practice offers couples the freedom to customize their wedding ceremony, it raises the question of whether it aligns with the biblical concept of marriage. According to the Bible, marriage is rooted in the idea of becoming one flesh, which is typically associated with sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, marking them as husband and wife in the eyes of God. However, the Bible does not explicitly mention or address the concept of self-uniting weddings, leaving room for interpretation and personal beliefs.
Characteristics of self-uniting weddings:
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Officiant | None required, but an officiant who isn't legally ordained can be chosen |
| Witnesses | Not required, but some states require witnesses to sign specified forms |
| Location | Can be chosen based on personal preference |
| Timing | More flexibility as there is no need to coordinate with an officiant |
| Customization | Complete freedom to customize the ceremony |
| Legal Status | Legally recognized in eight US states and the District of Columbia, with varying requirements and stipulations |
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What You'll Learn
Self-uniting marriage legality in the US
A self-uniting marriage is one in which a couple is married without the presence of a third-party officiant. This type of marriage is sometimes referred to as a "Quaker marriage", after the marriage practice of the Religious Society of Friends. While self-uniting marriages are not recognized in all US states, there are a few that do allow them.
California, for example, permits "non-clergy marriages" by "members of a particular religious society or denomination not having clergy for the purpose of solemnizing marriage or entering the marriage relation". To be legally recognized, specified forms, including the signatures of two witnesses, must be properly completed and filed. An atheist couple in San Francisco was reportedly allowed to marry under this provision by entering "atheist" in the box for "religious society or denomination" on the non-clergy marriage form.
Colorado is another state that permits self-uniting marriages, allowing couples to have their own ceremony and sign their own marriage license without any additional requirements. The District of Columbia also allows couples to officiate their own weddings.
Wisconsin allows self-uniting marriages, but there may be some caveats. The marriage may not be recognized in all contexts, and couples may be required to sign a form acknowledging this stipulation. Additionally, the county clerk may ask applicants to state their religious affiliation and provide evidence of that affiliation. Secular humanism is an acceptable religious affiliation for obtaining a self-uniting marriage license in Wisconsin.
While the specifics may vary by state and local regulations, self-uniting marriages offer couples the opportunity to personalize their wedding ceremony and forgo the traditional setup of having an officiant.
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Religious exemption requirements
A religious exemption is a legal privilege that exempts members of a certain religion from a law, regulation, or requirement. While the First Amendment in the United States guarantees that Congress will make no law "prohibiting the free exercise" of religion, religious exemptions have been a topic of debate and litigation in the country.
In the context of self-uniting marriages, religious exemptions may come into play when a couple wishes to solemnize their own marriage without the presence of an officiant or witnesses. While some states in the United States allow self-solemnization, others may require certain religious exemptions to be granted for this type of marriage to be recognized. Each state has its own regulations regarding eligibility and the process for obtaining a marriage license, so it is essential to contact the relevant county authorities in advance.
Religious exemptions have been sought and granted in various contexts, including:
- Dress codes: Some religions have specific requirements for adherents' dress or grooming, which may conflict with general dress codes. In such cases, religious exemptions can be sought to allow for the wearing of religious apparel, such as carrying a kirpan in Sikhism.
- Animal slaughter: Islam and Judaism have specific traditions regarding the slaughter of animals. Some governments have granted religious exemptions to animal cruelty laws to accommodate these practices.
- Marriage recognition: The Respect for Marriage Act in the United States aims to protect same-sex and interracial marriages by requiring states to recognize all legally performed marriages, regardless of factors such as "sex, race, ethnicity, or national origin." However, this legislation does not affect private businesses or entities, including churches, and explicitly protects their tax-exempt status.
- Child vaccination: In 1998, a religious exemption allowed members of the Church of Christ, Scientist to refuse child vaccination without losing welfare benefits. However, this exemption was ended in 2015.
- Business operations: The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled on cases involving religious exemptions for business operations, such as closing on Sundays or observing religious holidays.
- Drug use: Certain religions incorporate the use of drugs considered illegal in some areas. Religious groups may petition for exemptions, as seen with the use of peyote by Native American tribes and the use of cannabis in the Rastafari tradition.
It is important to note that while religious exemptions provide legal protection for the free exercise of religion, there are also concerns about potential discrimination and undermining equal treatment under the law. Opponents argue that religious exemptions can lead to unequal treatment and pose a threat to the rule of law.
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Biblical definition of marriage
The Bible does not offer one clear definition of marriage. However, there are several references to marriage, husbands, and wives in the Bible, which provide hints about what God intends for marriage.
Some argue that the Bible defines marriage as between one man and one woman. For example, in Matthew 19, Jesus states:
> "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
However, this is not the only definition of marriage in the Bible. Polygamy was common in the Hebrew Scriptures, and King David, a "man after God's own heart", had as many as eight wives.
Another "Biblical definition" of marriage is the comparison of the relationship between God and Israel to the relationship between husband and wife. For example, the prophet Isaiah states, "Your husband is your Maker" (Isaiah 54:5). This theme is also present in the New Testament, with Jesus as the groom and the Church as his bride.
In addition to these definitions, there are three commonly held beliefs about what constitutes a marriage in the eyes of God:
- The couple is married in the eyes of God when the physical union is consummated through sexual intercourse.
- The couple is married in the eyes of God when the couple is legally married.
- The couple is married in the eyes of God after they have participated in a formal religious wedding ceremony.
Ultimately, the Biblical definition of marriage is based on keeping the basic elements of the relationship in mind and honouring God's covenant relationship.
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Customising a self-uniting ceremony
A self-uniting marriage is one in which the couple gets married without the presence of a third-party officiant. While non-denominational, this method of getting married is sometimes referred to as a "Quaker marriage", after the marriage practice of the Religious Society of Friends. Self-uniting marriages are only legal in a few states, so it's important to check local laws before planning your ceremony. As of 2025, the following states permit self-uniting weddings:
- Pennsylvania
- Colorado
- Wisconsin
- Washington, D.C.
- California
- Illinois
- Kansas
- Maine
- Nevada
Now, here are some ideas for customising your self-uniting ceremony:
The Setup
The ceremony setup can be personalised to your preferences. You can choose to have guests seated in a circle around two chairs, where the couple will sit. The couple can enter alone or be escorted by parents, grandparents, close friends, etc.
Readings
Since there is no officiant, you may be doing more talking than you would in a traditional wedding ceremony. To give yourself a break and allow yourself time to enjoy the ceremony, you can include several readings from guests.
Vows
You can write your own heartfelt vows to make the ceremony more intimate and personal. You can also include community vows, which are promises from your community to support you and help you build a happy marriage.
Symbolic Elements
You can add a symbolic element to your self-uniting wedding with a unity ceremony. Some unique ideas include:
- A Celtic tradition where the couple’s hands are bound together with a ribbon or cord to symbolise their union.
- Each partner pours a different-coloured sand into a single vessel, representing the blending of their lives.
- Planting a tree together signifies the growth and strength of your marriage.
- Drinking alcohol together—you can bring two types of wine that complement each other and blend them together before a toast.
- Writing letters to each other before the wedding and sealing them in a box to open on a future anniversary.
Personal Touches
Think of something you love to do together and how you can incorporate that into your ceremony. It doesn't have to be food-related—for example, if you make a PB&J together every night, you could do that during your wedding ceremony.
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Self-uniting vs. traditional weddings
A self-uniting marriage is one in which the couple gets married without the presence of a third-party officiant. This type of marriage is sometimes referred to as a "Quaker marriage", after the marriage practice of the Religious Society of Friends. While self-uniting marriages offer a way for couples to marry without an officiant, they are not recognized in all places. For example, self-uniting marriages are not considered "legal" in Delaware County, PA.
On the other hand, a traditional wedding typically involves a third-party officiant, who can make a significant difference when personalizing the ceremony. The officiant can be an interfaith celebrant to lead a fusion service or even a college basketball coach for secular "I dos" after getting ordained.
One advantage of a traditional wedding with an officiant is that it is generally considered legal in most places, whereas self-uniting marriages may face legal challenges in certain jurisdictions. Additionally, traditional weddings with officiants can provide a sense of familiarity and follow cultural or religious norms, which may be important for couples and their families.
However, for couples who are not religious or prefer a more personalized ceremony, a self-uniting marriage can be an appealing option. It allows them to create their own ceremony, exchange their vows privately, and have a unique and intimate experience. In some cases, self-uniting marriages can also be more affordable, as there is no need to pay for the services of a professional officiant.
The decision between a self-uniting and a traditional wedding ultimately depends on the couple's personal preferences, religious beliefs, and the legal recognition of their chosen marriage format in their state or country. It is essential to research the specific requirements and laws pertaining to self-uniting marriages in their location before making a decision.
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Frequently asked questions
A self-uniting marriage is one in which a couple marries without the presence of a third-party officiant. This is sometimes referred to as a Quaker marriage, after the marriage practice of the Religious Society of Friends.
Self-uniting marriages are legal in some states of the US, including California, Colorado, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. Each state has its own regulations for who is eligible and the rules for obtaining a marriage license, so be sure to check with the state and county in which you plan to marry.
A self-uniting marriage gives you the freedom to customize your ceremony and make it as personal and unique as you like. It can be more private and easier to organize, as you don't need to coordinate with an officiant.
According to the Bible, two people become man and wife in the eyes of God when they become "one flesh". This occurs during sexual intercourse, and any other sexual partner after this first instance is considered adultery. Therefore, a self-uniting marriage without sex would not be considered valid in the eyes of God.
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